I feel like I’m forgetting something. My body and mind keep expecting that moment when I suddenly remember the thing I forgot, frantically trying to get done whatever it is that slipped my mind (with or without a few curse words). I run through the list of important areas of my life, double-checking to see if there’s something I was supposed to do: Kids, work, home, finances, husband, etc. And when I realize there’s nothing I’m forgetting, I pause. It feels strange to me.
“When I realize there’s nothing I’m forgetting, I pause. It feels strange to me.”
One of the main reasons I (finally) started therapy a few years ago was codependency with people in my life and the very strong connection it had with my self-esteem. I believed that I was only loved or valued if I could do things for people, buy them things, or fix their problems. My mental load was heavy from the personal things I was taking care of, and I just added to it by taking on other people’s problems. It was exhausting in every way, but I didn’t know how to stop.
As women, we’re taught to put everyone else’s needs and wants before our own. I’d been doing it for decades. I knew if I was ever going to pursue my dreams in this lifetime, then I had to simplify my life. Finding things to let go of was the easy part. Actually doing it and adjusting to a simplified life was much more difficult.
“Finding things to let go of was the easy part. Actually doing it and adjusting to a simplified life was much more difficult.”
Mental load is basically all the “behind the scenes” thinking that we do on a daily basis. It’s the worrying about the things we need, want, and have to get done; a running list in our minds of activity. It’s the equivalent of carrying around boulders, stones, and pebbles inside our heads.
If we’re dealing with illness (ours or a loved one’s), going through major life changes like a new relationship or a breakup, the start or end of a job or career, or a move of any type, then those boulders take up a lot of our mental capacity…and they are very heavy.
“It’s the worrying about the things we need, want, and have to get done; a running list in our minds of activity.”
The stones are the daily worries that come along with living. What are we eating for dinner? Are we out of toilet paper? When is the vet appointment? Did you get the oil changed in the car? They may not be emotionally or mentally heavy, but they take up a lot of room and sometimes are very hard to juggle.
The tiny things, the things that won’t really matter in ten years, are the mental pebbles we carry around. The daily advertising e-mails that fill our inbox, the decision on what color tablecloths for the party, the listening to your friend complain about her marriage…small things that add up. Even if they’re so tiny, like a grain of sand, carrying a lot of them adds weight to our mental load.
Our minds can only handle so much before we literally start to break down, and the way we live now with constant grabs for our attention makes it even harder for our minds (and bodies) to rest.
When I decided to simplify my life and let go of the things that were figuratively weighing me down, I felt scared. Who would I be if I wasn’t helping other people solve their problems? What would my life look like without a packed schedule and the daily rushing from place to place?
“Who would I be if I wasn’t helping other people solve their problems?”
I had to start small, so I wouldn’t revert to the lifestyle that was wearing me down. One of the first things I did was unsubscribe from advertising e-mails and delete apps I wasn’t really using.
That gave me momentum to tackle bigger “stones” like staying home in the evenings and devoting a set amount of time to the list of things I needed to do around the house. For years, my husband and I would run away from home in the evenings, going out to eat so we could spend time together without someone needing us. It worked in the short term but left us with undone things at home and a blown budget…which only added to our stress.
Staying home felt uncomfortable for a while, but that feeling eventually passed. We were both so used to jumping and going whenever someone needed help, but we trained ourselves to be honest when someone asked if we were home. “Yes, we are, but we’re getting stuff done here at the house today”.
It’s even harder not to overexplain, but I’m working on that too. I don’t have to validate my reasons for saying no to something or stopping something that no longer fits my life. My entire adult life, I’ve overexplained my choices, basically asking for validation. Changing that habit has been one of the toughest parts of simplifying my life. Not running scenarios through my head before and after conversations freed up a lot of mental space. It was a very large stone I should have put down years ago.
“I don’t have to validate my reasons for saying no to something or stopping something that no longer fits my life.”
I also had to learn to be more honest with myself and other people, because unless we’re brutally honest with people we’re close to, nobody else can really know what we’re carrying. Being honest with myself about how much I could handle and working with my therapist on giving myself permission to stop overexplaining my choices was a huge adjustment.
Actively simplifying freed up my time and mental energy to do things I really want to do, like rest, read, and write. It also gave me empathy towards other people who are carrying loads we can’t see.
I’ve tried not to call attention to my simplifying but have been able to mention it in casual conversations and have noticed the relief on other women’s faces when they realize they don’t have to do everything either. Opening up an honest (even if it’s brief!) dialogue has helped me filter my requests of other people. If their self-esteem was tied to what they do for others like mine was, they may say “yes” to my request when they really want to say “no.” Filtering out what’s important keeps my life simpler and keeps me from asking too much of someone else.
Nobody else can decide what each of us has to carry, what we can give to someone else to carry, or what we can just put down. If it’s not really benefiting our life or the lives of our close loved ones, can we let it go?
“If it’s not really benefiting our life or the lives of our close loved ones, can we let it go?”
I wasn’t prepared to feel confused and uncomfortable with having extra time for myself. Those feelings have been the biggest change in letting things go. It’s getting easier every day. I know there will never be a point when I can declare my life “simplified,” but at the end of each day I can feel good about the choices I made and am learning to enjoy the calm those choices are creating.
Regina McKay is the wife of a firefighter, mother of five adult children, and passionate advocate of all things vintage, especially her pink bathtub. She works as an accountant but plans on using her experiences with mental health treatment to transition into a career in Criminal Justice/Mental Health reform. After hitting her rock bottom, she learned for her happiness didn’t come in a pill bottle. She now strives for contentment and appreciates moments of joy when they come.
