Nearly everything about autumn invites us to turn inward. The sun reclines toward the horizon, flooding the sky with a gentler light. Evening comes earlier, and the frenzied blooms of August retire into the soil. Nature is telling us loud and clear: This isn’t the time to show off.
But for many of us, autumn can usher in a season of performance. Even if we haven’t been students for years, fall feels like a fresh outfit, an unmarked notebook, or a chance to make the varsity team. Add in the super-social holiday season, and suddenly there’s little room for introspection.
“I want to align myself with Mother Nature’s clear instructions: Look inside, reflect, and shed what’s not mine.”
But this year, I’d like to put some of that outwardness down. I want to align myself with Mother Nature’s clear instructions: Look inside, reflect, and shed what’s not mine.
So I’ve been considering the source of my motivation lately. Is it aligned with my internal compass, or is it mostly designed to satisfy others?
Understanding motivation
According to mental health professionals, our motives can be divided into two categories: intrinsic and extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation is driven by our curiosity, what brings us joy, or what feels meaningful and important to us.
“Intrinsic motivation is driven by our curiosity, what brings us joy, or what feels meaningful and important to us.”
“I think of intrinsic motivation as what naturally gives us energy,” says Arati Patel, LMFT. Extrinsic motivation, on the other hand, comes from something outside of ourselves, like obligation, a sense of responsibility, or a desire for approval and rewards. This type of motivation isn’t inherently a bad thing, says Patel — especially when it functions as a form of healthy accountability. It can give us structure and a little kick in the butt when we need it. (Think: some peer pressure at the gym, competing to get a promotion, or egging on from a rival team.) These can be positive forces in moderation. The problem arises when that outward motivation becomes a primary source of fuel instead of a temporary boost.
“When you’re driven mainly by the external,” says Patel, “it tends to leave [you] burnt out or [feeling] disconnected.” And that’s not all. Empowerment coach, Aura E Martinez, often sees clients who are driven by outside validation struggle with anxiety, low self-worth, and even physical symptoms like insomnia and chronic stress. “Without an internal anchor, people risk burnout, resentment, or a loss of identity,” she says. Plus, when folks who are driven by extrinsic factors do achieve their goals, the victory can feel hollow and unsatisfying.
“The healthiest approach is using extrinsic motivation as a stepping stone to deepen intrinsic motivation” says Martinez — and not as a long-term game plan.
Is it intrinsic or extrinsic motivation?
It seems like it would be simple to differentiate between what we care about and what we’re prioritizing for others’ sake. But societal conditioning is powerful, and so is pressure from the people important to us — it can be easy to take ownership of a desire that isn’t ours.
“Societal conditioning is powerful, and so is pressure from the people important to us — it can be easy to take ownership of a desire that isn’t ours.”
That said, there are tricks we can use to tease out what drives us. “I help clients distinguish [between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation] by asking them not only what they want but why they want it,” says Martinez. “That distinction matters.”
Of course, if the only “why” we can think of is that it’s important to someone else, that’s extrinsic motivation. Another clue, according to Patel, is in our language. She often hears clients say “I should” more than “I want” when discussing extrinsic goals.
The biggest sign, according to both professionals, lies in our energy. If we’re feeling exhausted despite achieving what we set out to do, there’s a good chance we’re doing it on someone else’s behalf. That’s not to say pursuing what we care about can’t be tiring. But it typically engenders more of a physical or mental fatigue than a soul-deep depletion.
How do we find what truly motivates us?
Martinez believes our energy levels are so critical to assessing our motivation that she prescribes her clients an “energy audit.” For a week, they track which activities give them energy and which drain them. The energizing activities, of course, point to what her clients care most about, while the draining ones are ideally phased out or delegated. So that’s something we can all try at home. Martinez also recommends asking ourselves if we’re making a decision from our heart or out of fear. (I have heard another coach, Natalie Kennedy, refer to this as choosing based on what will “make her world bigger,” which I love!) Then it’s time to summon our bravery and choose the world-expanding, heart-bursting decision.
We can also ask ourselves what we would be doing if nobody were watching us, says Martinez. Journaling around that, and any other related questions — like what we’d be doing if we weren’t “responsible,” or if we weren’t a “good wife/sister/daughter/friend” can be helpful. So can paying attention to the quiet moments that leave us feeling content: Heeding our intrinsic motivation doesn’t mean we’ll always be exuberant, but it often means a life that feels pleasant and fulfilling in a simple, inevitable way.
“Heeding our intrinsic motivation doesn’t mean we’ll always be exuberant, but it often means a life that feels pleasant and fulfilling in a simple, inevitable way.”
Similarly, Patel recommends carving out unscheduled time to see what we drift toward when our motives aren’t clouded by obligation. The results can be telling! And she also urges us to check in with our bodies. We may find that if we’re operating in service of others’ expectations, we’re more likely to have tense shoulders, a clenched jaw, or a sense of numbness or weightiness. “Authentic choices often feel lighter, while performing tends to feel tense or heavy,” she notes.
The secret to intrinsic motivation
According to Martinez, self-compassion is essential to aligning with our internal motivations. After all, what happens if we find the things we care about aren’t the ones we’ve been taught to value?
“What happens if we find the things we care about aren’t the ones we’ve been taught to value?”
“Letting go of external validation can stir guilt, shame, or fear of disappointing others,” says Patel. Personally, I felt all of those things when I made a drastic change in my career. After graduating summa cum laude from an expensive university, I felt pressure to maintain a lucrative role. But ten years after receiving my diploma, I’ve switched from a “prestigious” marketing career to a (frankly) very low-paying job in animal welfare.
I know the people close to me weren’t necessarily gung-ho about my transition. I had to use a lot of gentleness with myself to accept that I don’t enjoy the type of jobs I am “expected” to do. At first, the voice telling me I was wrong for changing careers was loud. But after reading “The Good Enough Job” by Simone Stolzoff, I was able to soften into my desire for a different kind of work — and I was rewarded with an unexpected decline in my anxiety and depression symptoms.
A practical approach to taming external motivation
Focusing more heavily on our intrinsic motivation is important, but so is being realistic. A lot of our external motivation comes from people we love and respect, or from causes that we care about. We usually can’t shrug our shoulders and say, “Oh well, I choose not to care about that anymore.” If only it were that simple!
That doesn’t mean we’re subject to prioritizing others’ opinions forever, though. If there are external motivations we’ve identified and would like to reduce, I believe we can trust our intuitions. The path to doing that is always going to be nuanced and unique. Usually, we know what we need to do to change things. We may just need help getting there.
“If there are external motivations we’ve identified and would like to reduce, I believe we can trust our intuitions.”
So here are a few guideposts to help us on our way:
Name the source of our external motivation. Who does it actually “belong to?” Our father? Our Boss? Knowing this can help us determine how to move forward.
Do a values check. Does the expectation in question align with our values? If the answer is no, that’s a big red flag. If the answer is something along the lines of “sort of,” do some more digging.
For example, maybe we’re externally motivated to stay in shape because looking a certain way is a value upheld by our social circle. Meeting an aesthetic standard may not align with our core values, but perhaps feeling well and energized does. Can we reframe our motivation accordingly? If the answer is no, that’s okay too!
Take baby steps. This one is for all of my fellow all-or-nothing girlies: We don’t have to upend everything overnight. If we find that we’ve been attached to an external motivation, can we simply loosen our grip on it, rather than immediately letting go?
Maybe it means going home on time one night per week, instead of working overtime Monday through Friday. This can help build our tolerance for shifting expectations.
It always comes back to boundaries. At the end of the day, we were given this one life to create, explore, learn, and share our unique gifts with the world. When we stifle our inner voice, we’re preventing ourselves from doing all of these things. That alone is our motivation to set limits on others’ expectations. If we have trouble doing that — which many of us do — we are more than deserving of a coach, mental health professional, or other support to assist us in that process.
“Autumn is a season of transition and letting go,” says Martinez. “Just as nature sheds what it no longer needs, we can reflect on the motivations and commitments that no longer serve us.” I couldn’t agree more. I am proud of the progress I’ve made in turning inward, but there will likely always be areas where I let others’ opinions and desires get the best of me. So I’m going to look to the season for gentle reminders to take the time to slow down and reflect on what motivates me.
“I’m going to look to the season for gentle reminders to take the time to slow down and reflect on what motivates me.”
If being aligned with the natural world appeals to you, use the trees dropping their leaves as a visual reminder to drop whatever you need to as well. “It’s an ideal time to slow down, reassess, and realign goals with inner values before the rush of the new year,” Martinez says. “This seasonal rhythm reminds us that it’s natural and healthy to pause, release, and reset.”
And I’d love to know: What’s one intrinsic motivator you will be giving your loving attention this fall? Let me know in the comments. ✨
Nicole Ahlering is an animal adoption counselor at her local humane society. She’s also a writer. (So basically, everything she wanted to be when she grew up!) When she’s not working, she’s hanging out with her kitties and her partner, drinking iced espresso, or reading something non-fiction.
