Let’s be honest: my idea of “spicing things up” these days looks more like matching pajamas and a full night’s sleep. As a mom of two little ones, evenings blur into school pick-ups, dinner, and bedtime routines—and by the time the house is quiet, I’m completely touched out (if you know, you know). Sex? Not even on my radar. Not because I don’t crave closeness, but because I crave rest. If you’re also feeling too tired for sex, welcome to the very real—and very human—club. What I’ve learned is that intimacy can be reignited in ways that feel gentle, supportive, and pressure-free.
Why Feeling Too Tired for Sex Is So Common
Before kids, I assumed being “too tired for sex” was just about sleep. But exhaustion runs deeper—it’s the mental load, the constant juggle, and the never-ending to-do’s that leave me depleted. Even after seven or eight hours of rest, I can still feel completely spent by bedtime. Because intimacy isn’t only about energy—it’s about presence, and when your nervous system is still buzzing from the chaos of the day, that presence can feel out of reach.
Redefining What Intimacy Looks Like
What’s helped me is letting go of the idea that intimacy always equals sex. Some nights, it’s kisses in between chores. Other nights, it’s making dessert together or lingering over a hug once the kids are asleep. Honestly, nothing feels sexier than when my husband notices what I need and quietly takes care of it. These little acts remind us that intimacy is something we can nurture daily. When I take the pressure off the present, it leaves more space for meaningful connection later.
What’s “Normal” Anyway?
One of the most freeing shifts has been realizing there’s no “right” number of times you should be having sex. What’s normal for one couple might feel impossible—or even stressful—for another.
Research suggests that once a week is average, but frequency matters far less than how connected you feel. If both of you are content with your rhythm—even once a month—that’s perfectly healthy. What matters is when one partner feels lonely, disconnected, or resentful. That’s the moment to pause, talk, and find out what each of you needs.
Rebuilding Emotional Connection
Like many of you, I’m sure, when my husband and I slip into “roommate mode,” intimacy is the first thing to go. It’s inevitable: we’ll spend our evenings dividing tasks and getting the boys ready for bed. But when we carve out small windows to connect—like a family walk after dinner or talking about us (our marriage, dreams, or little gratitudes) instead of defaulting to Netflix—it changes everything. Emotional intimacy is the foundation. And when that’s in place, the physical side follows naturally.
Finding The Right Time For You
Once we focus on emotional connection, the next challenge is finding space when intimacy actually fits. I used to assume it had to happen at night, but that often left me resentful. So we got creative. Weekend mornings, a quick shower together, or even mid-afternoon when the stars align—it all feels lighter, more playful, and more natural than forcing connection when we’re both half-asleep.
Fueling My Energy (and My Libido)
One thing I’ve learned toward the end of a long day (or week) is this: when I prioritize my own energy and well-being, my libido naturally follows. Eating balanced meals, regularly moving my body, and carving out tiny pockets of stress relief make a huge difference. Life with kids is messy and imperfect, but these small acts help me feel more like myself. And, in turn, makes intimacy feel possible again.
Rebuilding Intimacy Gently
If you’re in a season where intimacy feels out of reach, you’re not broken. And you’re definitely not alone. For me, reigniting connection hasn’t come from forcing myself to be “in the mood,” but from slowing down, honoring my energy, and leaning into the little ways I can connect with my husband. It’s about grace—remembering that intimacy can be rebuilt gently, one small step at a time.
If intimacy still feels distant, there’s no shame in seeking support. A sex therapist can offer tools, language, and perspective to help you navigate connection in a busy season. Having a neutral third party guide the conversation can make the path back to each other feel less overwhelming.
