It’s Friday night. Where are you going for dinner?
A) Who needs to go out? I’ve got Baraghani’s lamb shoulder on the menu.
B) Nowhere under 3.5 stars, I’ll tell you that!
C) The new place in that hot neighborhood that opened approximately 24 hours ago. It’s going to be a vibe.
D) A French bistro that Pete Wells had pretty good things to say about a few weeks back.
E) I made my reservation three weeks ago at a new Eater 38 entry in my neighborhood and I’m psyched.
You’re going to Italy next month. How are you figuring out where to dine?
A) Researching iconic dishes of the region and the best places to find them.
B) Trying to figure out what this The Fork thing is that rates overseas restaurants.
C) Seeing where the travel influencers have landed lately.
D) I think Rick Steves might have some good ideas. But I at least have 36 hours covered.
E) Cross-referencing the Eater 38 in the cities I’m visiting with Condé Nast Traveler’s best picks and creating my own Google Map.
How do you feel about waiting in line for a croissant?
A) Why bother? I can make a better version at home.
B) Can I get it for free if I wait?
C) Just a part of dining in the big city.
D) This croissant is not actually on my radar.
E) I could be convinced it’s absolutely amazing, but I’m skeptical it’s better than my favorite spot around the corner.
What kind of food videos do you gravitate toward?
A) Not ashamed of my parasocial relationship with several Test Kitchen chefs.
B) Whatever’s on Facebook. I love this account called Farm House Food Feed that has great suggestions for bacon-wrapped meatloaf with sausage gravy.
C) I love scrolling through Instagram Reels on my FYP.
D) Anything the adorable Eric Kim is cooking up this week.
E) Have you seen this great series called Mise En Place?
How do you feel about the phrase “food is political?”
C) Yes, but how do I give that a star rating?
D) ACTUALLY, there’s really two sides to this issue. Let me just show you this article from the other day…
E) Why are we still asking this question? The answer is such a clear yes.
An exciting new restaurant just opened in your city. What’s your move?
A) Figure out a time to get there that fits into my weekly meal plan. Is it open on Monday?
B) Immediately write a review of it during its first week and post it online. Really highlight its “authenticity.”
C) Show up on opening night, obviously. Bring the ring light.
D) Wait for Tejal’s review to come out; if it’s good, I’m there.
E) Find out when reservations open up, and make one for about three weeks after opening, after they’ve gotten a few services under their belt. There’s no need to rush in.
It’s your birthday. How will you celebrate?
A) A nice pot of schmaltzy, buttery, creamy beans, of course!
C) Espresso martinis, great views, excellent soundtrack.
D) A nice steak dinner out, though there’s a lovely plum torte waiting for me at home.
E) Natural wine, tinned fish, and maybe some late-night mozzarella sticks for good measure.
What’s your drunken food media bad habit?
A) Making snide comments about whoever’s been featured on this week’s “The Receipt” on Instagram.
B) Writing 1-star reviews of businesses who have Wronged You.
C) Emailing young journalists about why the “least awful rooftop bars” in their listicle are actually terrible.
D) Sliding into Melissa Clark’s DMs to question her recipe measurements.
E) Sending long rants to the tipline on why this incredible restaurant just down the street from you was excluded from a map of the best Thai restaurants in your city.
Mostly As: Bon Appétit reader. Restaurants are important, but cooking is where your passion lies. You know your Mollys from your Moroccos, and can’t resist a little drama.
Mostly Bs: Yelp reader. You care most about the opinions of The People, not what some seasoned critic or professional journalist has to say. You’ve maintained Elite status for a decade.
Mostly Cs. The Infatuation reader. You like flash, and a little sass. If it’s new and notable, you’ve probably already shot a TikTok video outlining your opinions on it for your 472 loyal followers.
Mostly Ds. New York Times reader. Cultured and urbane, you’re okay being a little snobby about restaurants; after all, you read the paper of record.
Mostly Es. Eater reader. You’re up on the news developments affecting restaurants in your city as much as the best place to order a martini. Some might consider you a bit of a hater, but you can’t help but offer a raised eyebrow to the industry you know and love.
