One of my biggest fears as a parent is raising kids who can’t launch into adulthood on their own. My hope is that by 26, three years after college to find their footing, they can support themselves without my money. If they can’t, I’m afraid I’ll feel like I failed them as a father.
So I was fascinated when a fellow writer, Allison Raskin, penned a fascinating and brave Substack article about her inferiority complex from still depending on her father for money at age 37. She feels guilty that her father pays for her childcare expenses and lets her, her husband, and her newborn live rent-free in a house he owns. Naturally, she questions whether she is a “real adult.”
As a personal finance writer since 2009 with an emphasis on achieving financial independence sooner rather than later (FIRE), my initial reaction was that it’s hard to claim real adulthood in such a scenario. Still depending on your parents after 26, let alone at 37, seems quite long in the tooth.
By 37, I had already been retired for three years after working 60+ hours a week for 13 years, getting my MBA part-time, and saving most of my income. I simply did not have the privilege to rely on my parents financially because they were not wealthy as government employees. Therefore, I had to rely on myself.
What About The Husband?
I wasn’t envious of Allison’s situation. I was sad. Because there’s something deeply satisfying about making it on your own. Even if you had to share a studio apartment for years and work 14-hour days partly for access to the free cafeteria, in retrospect, the sacrifice was worth it.
If you’re still relying on your parents to cover your fundamental bills at 37, with a family of your own, how is that meaningfully different from being a child under 18? Maybe Allison can be considered an adult still on scholarship.
Then I wondered about her husband. I know it’s become common for the woman to be the breadwinner. It’s also quite common to see a man claim FIRE while his wife still works and provides. We call this WiFI, or Wife Financial Independence. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Neither of them is carrying the load. So is he OK with another man providing for his wife and child?
Perhaps I’m too old school, but I’d feel uncomfortable having another man pay my family’s bills, especially past 30. I would not want to feel constantly indebted to my father-in-law every time we sat down for Thanksgiving dinner. But maybe this is a cultural shift I’ve missed because I’ve been out of the workforce for so long.
It’s Natural To Get Used To Privilege
Despite these thoughts, more power to Allison and her husband for having a parent who is willing and able to support their lives. Goodness knows it’s expensive to buy a house in LA and raise a family.
Once I started thinking about Allison’s situation as a father, my definition of a real adult softened. If I have the financial means to help my two children launch into adulthood, I will, so long as they remain good people. It’s a terrible idea to die and leave an inheritance to your 50+-year-old children when your capital could help them most when they’re first starting out.
Granted, still providing for your children 15 years after they graduate college seems excessive. And I’d probably have a stern sit down with my son-in-law, leather belt with a huge buckle resting on the side table, as I ask him why he isn’t grinding harder to provide for his family. But all the same, I would help my children financially if they were struggling.
Here’s a podcast episode I did with a reader with young kids who bought a new construction home in expensive Los Angeles.
Setting A Precedent By Paying For An Expensive College
Allison went to the University of Southern California, one of the most expensive private universities in the country. Today, the all-in cost to attend USC is over $100,000 a year. If you go to such a school and your parents pay for everything, you’re obviously well off. It’s understandable to get used to wealth and privilege when plenty of your classmates are wealthy too.
Then she attended Pepperdine University, an equally expensive private college, for a Master’s in Psychology. The privilege compounds.
I’ve thought about this situation for my own kids because it’s going to be next to impossible for them to get into a top 25 university, let alone with free grants, given today’s hyper competition and identity roulette. But now that USC is firmly ranked in the top 25, I would most likely pay full freight for either child to attend.
I know I’ll feel terrible spending so much money on education when everything can be learned online for free. After all, I’ve been writing for free to help people build wealth since 2009. But I doubt I’ll be able to deny my children’s dreams just to save money when the time comes.
That’s What 529 Plans Are For
Providing educational opportunities is the main reason why we superfunded two 529 plans when each of our children was born. Each plan has grown to over $450,000, with nine and twelve years still to go before college.
Perhaps there will be money left over after four years at an expensive school like USC to fund another one to three years at an expensive school like Pepperdine for a Master’s degree.
I’ve already written off the values of both 529 plans from my net worth calculations. So if there is still leftover money, I’ll use the funds for generational wealth transfer purposes for my future grandkids. I’d rather gift education than money. And I know if I live long enough to be blessed with grandkids I would do anything for them too.
It’s Hard To Make Money In The Arts
As the author of three books so far, with a fourth on the way entitled Your Children Will Be OK, I understand how difficult it is to make a living as a writer. I write because I love to think and banter. But there is no way in hell I’d be able to support my family of four on a writer’s income alone.
A top 1% book advance starts at about $250,000. Sounds great until you realize it gets paid out over two or three years, which means $83,333 to $125,000 a year before taxes and agent fees. We already established that it now costs over $400,000 for a family of four to live comfortably in San Francisco. And most books never sell enough copies to earn out their advance. Even when they do, the author only earns about $1 to $3 per book in royalties.
Allison is a NY Times bestselling author, podcaster, screenwriter, and freelance writer. Yet she and her husband still cannot afford their own childcare and a single-family home. Don’t take my word for how hard it is to earn a livable wage as a creative. Allison is the proof.
Let’s Not Crush Our Children’s Creativity
But here’s the funny and sad part. Plenty of children grow up loving to write, draw, sing, act, and dance. Due to the high cost of living, most are forced to study more practical fields to generate a livable income once they hit college.
Eventually, the creativity we all had as kids gets squashed by the necessity of money. Our souls slowly disappear as we work jobs we don’t love, either due to society’s expectations or the need to pay the bills.
FIRE solves this problem by giving your soul a chance to re-grow after leaving a job you despised. But you need to successfully forecast your misery years in advance in order to break free sooner.
Part of having wealth, as Allison’s dad surely does, is so our children don’t have to pursue soul-sucking work they aren’t passionate about. If they want to attend the most expensive school like USC to major in one of the poorest-paying professions, screenwriting, then so be it. Because when our children are happy, we parents are happy.
It’s OK To Be A Financially Dependent Adult
Part of me still stands with the villagers holding pitchforks. Being 37 and dependent on your parents when you have a functioning brain and body has to eat away at your self-esteem. At the same time, Allison didn’t choose to be born into a wealthy family with a father who wants to provide for her.
The thing is, the father in me can’t fully condemn a situation I might one day happily fund myself. That would be hypocritical. I love my daughter so much that I’m afraid I’ll spoil her, paying for the most expensive private university and then supporting her afterward when that degree delivers a lousy ROI.
So to the Allisons out there in their 30s and 40s still depending on their parents to survive, I say it’s OK. You’re still an adult, especially if you have children and keep them alive, safe, and loved. So long as your financial needs aren’t putting your parents’ retirement in jeopardy, you’re good to go.
And to the partners and husbands of the Allisons of the world who can’t make enough to provide for your family, that’s OK too. In today’s society, one of the biggest flexes a man can have is a working wife who supports the family.
An equally impressive luxury is having wealthy in-laws so neither of you has to work as hard. Embrace the privilege and pursue work that is meaningful to you. If you can’t provide for your wife and children financially, you can always provide more of your time. You will not regret spending more time with your children or your parents, who still support you.
Being Financially Independent Should Still Be The Goal
Yes, we should still encourage our daughters to be financially independent from their husbands or partners, given breakups happen all the time. Being financially dependent on anyone as an adult is suboptimal. But if your parents are wealthy enough to buy you all of life’s most expensive things, accept their generosity with grace.
You can reduce the guilt by not wasting the privilege. Every extra hour you commit to your craft, and every new person you entertain, help, or inspire, will make you and your parents proud. But if you know you should be doing more and aren’t while being supported, that guilt will grow and fester.
I don’t want my adult children, or my future son-in-law and daughter-in-law, to feel like losers if they can’t fully provide for themselves despite trying their hardest. The world is more competitive than ever, and effort doesn’t always translate into income.
If they’re grinding away at their craft, raising their kids well, and contributing something to the world, the Bank of Mom and Dad will stay open.
No Lounging Around
But here’s the catch. If I ever catch them playing tennis at the club at 10 am on a Tuesday, then brunching until 2 pm while virtue signaling about how hard things are, they’re cut off. Privilege is rocket fuel, not a hammock.
So take the money if you must. Just don’t take the money and produce nothing, because at that point you’re not a dependent adult. You’re an expensive child.
And if that stings a little, good. It’s supposed to. Now go produce something.
Reader Questions And Suggestions
Readers, can you be considered a true adult if you’re still financially dependent on your parents? At what age should parental support end, if ever? And if you’re a parent, how much would you be willing to support your adult children?
To build more wealth, pick up a copy of my USA Today bestseller Millionaire Milestones: Simple Steps To Seven Figures. It will give you the courage to live a life more true to yourself. Also, keep an eye out for my upcoming book, Your Children Will Be OK: Helping Them Navigate An Uncertain Future, where I tackle exactly these questions as a full-time father of two.
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